The USDA is looking at reworking their ubiquitous Food Guide Pyramid -- taught to every American schoolkid for the last decade.

It's refreshing to see the naivete and eternal optimism that a federal agency has in itself.

Too many are confused by the recommendations and can't figure out how to implement them. The proof, Agriculture Department officials say, is that two out of three Americans are fat.

It's the government's fault that 67 percent of Americans are fat. Boy, I'm relieved. I knew I wasn't to blame. It's the USDA's fault.

I really look forward to the government making me thinner through its new educational program.