Just on the principle of the thing, I wish I had a paintball gun. So here it is, nearly 3 a.m. and I'm watching "Firefly" on one screen and working on Adobe InDesign templates on the other when I hear a sound outside my window that sounds like water, but not the spray sprinklers. There's a guy outside my window, not 10 feet from my condo relieving himself.

"Please tell me you're not taking a leak outside my window," I say.

"I'm not," comes the reply.

"Please don't lie to me."

"Sorry."

Somebody's let a condo in the building to some early 20-somethings -- and I don't like it. I must be getting old and crochety.