Using the vast financial resources of hoystory.com, I was able to take a recent trip to Cuba and I was allowed to interview one of the al Qaeda prisoners at the Camp X-Ray.

"What's your name?" I asked.

"Abdul Abdullah, but you can call me by my legal name," he said.

"What's that?"

"Tom Jones."

"Your English is very good, where'd you pick it up?"

"Oh, I was born in England. Nice place. Tea's great."

"What's the deal on the hunger strike that some of you guys have been on?"

"Oh that, I tell you, you Americans are so gullible. I mean, it was tough in Afghanistan. Food was sometimes hard to come by, and three-squares a day? Never. But with all of the food you guys provide us here, it's really no big deal to skip a meal or two. Besides, you Americans just gave us a big feast of lamb, dates and all other sorts of delicacies. Truth is, we couldn't eat another bite after that. I felt like I was retaining water."

"Yeah, but some of you have skipped more than a meal or two. Some haven't eaten in days."

"Oh, that's just Harry, he's from the San Francisco Bay Area. He's a bulimic. We used to catch him going behind one of the big rocks up in the mountains and puke up his dinner. Here there's no boulder to hide behind, so he's trying his hand at anorexia."

"But I thought the hunger strike was prompted by a conflict over your religion. Something about turbans."

"Well, actually we have a grand plan. The turbans are just the first part of the plan."

"Plan?"

"Yes, we've gotten the Marines to cave on the turban issue by claiming that it is a religious thing. We had tried to convince them to let us wear turbans by whining -- that didn't work. We tried bribery -- but the Marines didn't really want the poppy seeds when they learned how we had smuggled them in. We tried threats, but without AK-47s or sticks of C-4, they just laughed at us. But the religion thing worked. Next we are going to demand an American to kill."

"Do you really think they'll give you someone to kill?"

"Sure, it is Allah's will. We will say so. They will refuse, of course, but when we complain to the International Red Cross, they will listen. They will tell the French and Pierre, I mean....Wahlid, he knows the French, they will complain loudly. The Americans cannot deny us the right to practice our religion. They will be forced to give us an American."

As I left, I revealed what I'd learned to Sgt. George Irving Joe, from Albuquerque, N.M.

"Oh, yeah, we know about that," he said.

"How'd you find out?"

"Abdel told us. We rolled him into the interrogation room and showed him 5 minutes of 'VIP.' After that he was ready to talk."

"Well of course, that's a really crummy show."

"No. He would only talk if we agreed to let him watch the rest of it. Pamela Anderson is our secret weapon. It's really the most important contribution to the war effort that the Canadians have made."

"So what are you going to do about it?"

"Well, we've got a plane that's going to pick up O.J. Simpson. We've told him that we think we've got 'the killer.' And we'll just put O.J. in there with them and they can go at it. We'll see how much O.J.'s arthritis affects him then."

"Wow, you guys have really thought this through."

"Oh, that's nothing. Did you find out what the next step of their plan is?"

"No. You know that already?"

"Yeah, next they're asking for 72 virgins."

"And you're going to give them 72 virgins?"

"Well, probably not. I mean, are there even 72 virgins left in the U.S.? I don't think so, but we'll get them one or two."

"Aren't they supposed to only get the virgins in paradise after they've died a martyr's death?"

"The argument they're going to present to the Europeans is that Cuba is really like paradise and having to listen to Americans and do everything we tell them to do is like being dead. The French would agree, don't you think?"

"So what are you going to do?"

"Oh, we've got it all under control. We've sent a letter to Janet Reno telling her that Elian wants to see her."