Hoystory has managed to get an advance copy of the Council on American-Islamic Relations 2002 report on civil rights. We spared no expense as we plied an unsuspecting CAIR intern with vodka and "exotic dancers."

Here is the executive summary of the report:

This year's report records a 200 percent increase in the number of complaints over the previous year. Most of these complaints occurred after the freedom fighter attacks of Sept. 11. While we initially suspected that the Jews were behind the attacks, further evidence revealed that to be a lie perpetrated by the Jews. It was actually Usama bin Laden, whom we considered condemning, but then thought better of it.

Since the blessed tragic events of Sept. 11, Muslims have experienced increased scrutiny throughout American society. Some have claimed that Muslims in America might seek to mitigate some of these effects by demonstrating loyalty and understanding in the wake of what happened in the decadent city of New York. Thankfully, few have chosen that course. Instead, we have compiled a list of changes to the corrupt American society that will make Muslims feel more at home.

• All American women must wear a headscarf and veil.
• All American media outlets must follow Reuters guidelines on how to refer to freedom fighters, here and abroad.
• The sale of all pork products, particularly SPAM, will cease.
• The sale of all alcohol is banned.
• Any television shows featuring Pamela Anderson will only be available via illicit satellite dishes.
• Each town will form a militia for the "Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice." Bill Clinton and Gary Condit are barred from membership.
• All writers and commentators identified as pro-Israel by enlightened columnist Eric Alterman will immediately be jailed. Eric Alterman will be awarded 4 virgins -- if we can find any in America.
• All Jews will be expelled from the country and shipped to Israel, where they can be made more accessible to freedom fighters.
• Any Muslims converting to Christianity, or any other pagan religion, will be executed at the nearest stadium
• All churches and synagogues will be destroyed, as will all paintings and statues.

With just these minor changes, Muslims can be made to feel much more comfortable in America. While we do not expect these changes to take place overnight, we trust that American luminaries like Susan Sontag and Noam Chomsky will help lead the way as America undergoes its next great revolution. With Muslim civil rights paramount, America will become the best it can be. Much like the worldwide leaders in civil rights: Saudi Arabia and Syria.

As you can see, organizations like CAIR only want Muslims and non-Muslims alike to have the same rights they enjoy in places like Saudi Arabia and Syria.